His Weenies
by AlNeedsMoreFics
Summary: Weenies, a detective, an attorney, and love. (a joke fic that went too far)


Phoenix's fingers brushed over the detective's desk ever lightly as he walked by it and was met with the said detective sitting in his chair not far from where he stood. The defense attorney gulped.

"Heya, pal!" greeted Gumshoe, smiling up at Phoenix as he swiveled in his chair to face him. "I assume you're here to ask me about Mr. Edgeworth or a case?"

He shifted onto one foot uncomfortably. "Uh, no," was his response. "Not exactly."

Gumshoe's eyebrows knit together in confusion. Why else would he even be here if it wasn't either of those things? He began to grow suspicious of the other, his eyes easing into a squint. It made Phoenix on edge. He clapped suddenly, causing Gumshoe to jump and blink at him.

"U-uh... I'm here because I _did_ wanted to ask you something, but nothing about either of those things," spoke Phoenix. He coughed. "I, um, I was wondering if you'd like to go on a picnic with me?"

Suddenly the precinct was silent. Way too silent for either of them. The larger of the two let out boisterous laughter and the defense thought he was going to melt into a nervous puddle right then and there. This took hours of speaking into a mirror at himself to actually come and do this, and all he got was him laughing in his face. This upset him a little bit.

Wiping at his tears, Gumshoe managed to speak through small laughs. "You're joking right? Why would you wanna go on a date with me, pal? Why not your friends or Mr. Edgeworth or someth-"

"Detective, you _are_ one of my friends." Phoenix's gaze was intense, and it froze Gumshoe into submission. They stared at each other for a good minute before a large, nervous hand shot up out between them. Puzzled, the lawyer looked down at it. Was this his way of saying yes?

He took his hand into his and shook it, a bit confused.

"I accept!" yelled Gumshoe, beaming. "I'd love t'go on a picnic with ya, pal! Count me in!"

"Oh, that's great!" concurred Phoenix, smiling as well. "Meet me in People Park at 2 pm, and bring whatever you want to eat or share!"

They released each others hands and Phoenix made his way out of the precinct whistling until the chief of policed yelled at him. Many more laughs later and he was out of the door.

"You're early!" exclaimed Phoenix, a basket around his arm.

"Heh, yeah," replied Gumshoe, scratching at the scruff on his chin. "I was a lil' excited so I rushed here and ended up pretty early."

Phoenix laughed into his free hand. It made Gumshoe feel a little... _weird_. All of this was a little weird. His eyes flicked back and forth, between and around them. Was it just going to be them two?

"Are we the only ones?" questioned the detective. "You didn't invite Maya or Pearl? Or Mr. Edgeworth? I would think-"

"Nope, just us," interjected Phoenix, laying the blanket down and sitting on it. Gumshoe didn't press further and quickly joined him on the blanket.

There was silence for a moment as Phoenix began to take out the stuff he brought for them to eat. Almost immediately Gumshoe reached into his own little bag and pulled out a large bento. The raven haired man lifted an eyebrow at it questioningly. The other presented it to him with a smile.

Phoenix leaned away a bit, staring down at the thing in question. "Uh, what is it?"

Pushing it onto him, Gumshoe looked away and blushed a little. It was almost like a scene out of an anime with a girl confessing to someone she liked. It made him blush in return.

"It's my specialty," answered the bigger man. "My little weenies!"

It took every bit of strength for him to not burst into laughter in that moment. With shaky hands, he took the bento and opened it. In it there were neatly stacked weenies with a side of rice. Right. He'd seen them before during a case. He made these for Maggey Byrde before. Jealousy stirred at the pit of his stomach as he gripped the bento tightly in his hands. Gumshoe took notice of this.

"Phoenix? Pal?" worried Gumshoe, his eyes straining with doubt. It shook Phoenix out of his thoughts.

"Sorry," he said quickly, grabbing a pair of chopsticks from his basket. "I'll try them."

The detective's eyes lit up with delight. He loved when people were willing to eat his food; his weenies especially. He put so much love into them and was always willing to share the gift that is the small hotdogs.

Intricately, Phoenix grabbed a single little weenie between his chopsticks and lifted it from the bento. As carefully as he could, he placed the weenie between his lips and bit down on it. The juices exploded into mouth almost immediately, and he was instantly filled with warm. A small moan escaped him and a hand went to quickly cover his mouth.

He stared at Gumshoe's eager eyes for a moment. "..I-It's delicious, Detective."

Gumshoe gasped with delight. "Ah hah! I knew you'd like 'em! I made 'em with extra love this time!"

Phoenix blushed. _Extra love? What does that even mean?_

His smile nearly blinded the attorney. He decided to look down at the bento and was practically begged to eat more. He did so eagerly. They were just so darn delicious. He was getting absolutely lost in the taste of these weenies that he almost didn't notice Gumshoe inching closer to him. Out of the corner of his eye, he finally caught him moving closer and closer. Whipping his head up from his meal and with a weenie or two in his mouth still, his nose bumped against Gumshoe's. His face was a little too close for comfort.

"Err, Gumfshurr?" he mumbled through the weenies. His face was beet red.

"Phoenix," breathed Gumshoe, his face matching his. "I want some o' those, y'know. Lemme have some, too."

Before Phoenix could react, Gumshoe's mouth was on his. This certainly escalated out of no where. He swore that his whole body was on fire now.

 _What the hell is happening?! There's still weenies in the box! Why is he stealing them from mouth?!_

Awkwardly, he allowed Gumshoe to steal the half chewed weenies from his mouth, moaning lightly at his tongue brushing against his teeth every once in a while. This was weird. It was more than weird. It was just plain gross! But Phoenix didn't stop him. God, why didn't he stop him?!

Gumshoe pulled away, chewing in delight like the weenie thief he was. He was too caught up in his own self-proclaimed victory to notice the disheveled, mortified and confused attorney that sat only a few feet from him. Finally taking notice he blushed the brightest he could ever blush and backed up until he was nearly off the blanket. Covering his mouth with both of his hands, he felt super bad and totally embarrassed.

"Oh my god!" he screeched, burying his face in his hands. "I am so sorry, pal! I don't know what came over me! I've never done that before! The weenies just looked s'good... I was like in a trance or somethin'!"

"I-It's okay!" replied a dazed Phoenix, waving his arms in front of him. "It surprised me is all! I wasn't expecting that to happen. These weenies really must be the most amazing thing or something because geez... I bet you have ladies all over you because of these things!" He laughed awkwardly.

"Nah. I don't got any ladies, pal. Just Mr. Edgeworth, but he don't really like them much either. He says it's more interesting to watch me eatin' them than him eatin' them himself. I dunno, I thought that was weird, but he seems to enjoy it?"

Phoenix's eyebrow twitched. _That damn kinky prosecutor. Of course he'd be into that._

He gave the detective a small smile. "Ah ha... Well, I um.. Yeah. That's okay. They are pretty good though, I'll admit. Again."

Gumshoe's eyes lit up once more. He gave him the biggest smile. "I'm glad t'here that! My heart just keeps thumpin' like crazy!"

 _Goddamnit, Detective. Stop being so cute! Fuck, I think his little stunt made me a little horny. This is bad. Ugh._

The defense attorney let out a worried laugh and began shoving a hastily made sandwich into his face without much thought and munching on it like a giraffe does with leaves. It puzzled Gumshoe, and he squinted at him. That only made Phoenix more anxious. He picked at the rice in the bento and nearly shoved the chopsticks down his own throat in the process, causing him to gag and choke. Now Gumshoe was more worried than anything.

"Are... Are you okay there, pal?" he set a steady, worried hand on him.

Through his choking, he whimpered at his touch. Gumshoe blinked.

"Oh god, Dick," he whined, leaning forward toward him. He wanted to be in his face. "I can't do this. You turned me on so bad! I like you! I wanted to go on this picnic with you because I have feelings for you, and then you went and did... _that_... and now it's worse by tenfold! I want you. Please, Dick. Please."

With needy hands, he grasped at Gumshoe's coat. This embarrassed the detective. He didn't know how to respond to him. Taking his hands into his, he sighed deeply.

"Phoenix Wright," he said in his deep, gruff voice. Phoenix practically squirmed where he sat. "I... We can go to my apartment... i-if you'd like."

The attorney's eyes were screaming yes at him, and in one swooping motion, Phoenix was in Gumshoe's big strong arms. It practically made him melt. He wanted it so badly that he felt like a child asking for candy at a grocery store. Being a public place, this was the most embarrassing thing Gumshoe had been put through. Franziska's whips and Miles' scoldings didn't even come close to being this embarrassing.

"Whip me away like a princess, Dick," whimpered Phoenix. "I want you throw your weenies into my treasure room."

"Okay, okay," replied Gumshoe, walking over to his junky car and practically throwing the attroney into it. "When we get there, yeesh. Calm down, pal. You'll get your fair share of my weenies. I got plenty o' 'em!"

He howled and off he went to his apartment with a super turned on Phoenix in the seat next to him. He never knew his weenies had this power. Maybe he should get Edgeworth to try and taste them next. Gumshoe hummed to himself and parked, grabbing Phoenix and throwing him through his door. There he lay on the floor with his butt in the air, wiggling it slowly left to right. Gumshoe felt a twinge in his pants. Now he wanted him more than ever as well. He grinned slyly.

"You wanna play with my weenie?" he cooed. Phoenix purred.

This was gonna be a mighty fun time.

Creaking, sweat, and whatever else that was gross and dirty filled the room. Gasps and moans were loud in Gumshoes ears. He loved the sound the attorney made. Boxes of little weenies and rice surrounded the two of them as they made sweet sauce together to go with them. Every once in a while Phoenix would shove his mouth with a ton so that Gumshoe could fish for them with his tongue. It excited him.

Sometimes he'd ask Gumshoe to stick it where the sun didn't shine, and he'd gladly comply. It made the experience more enjoyable... and squishy. Every once in a while one would shoot out at a high enough velocity to bounce off the wall and hit Gumshoe in the back or head.

"A-Ah! Dick! Oh, Dick! D-Dick!" Phoenix chanted. Gumshoe loved it.

His weenies were apparently better than noodles, and Phoenix _loved_ noodles.

"Hey, Ph-Phoenix?" breathed Gumshoe.

"Y-Yeah?"

"If I made noodles, would you eat them?"

"No."

"O-Oh... Okay..."

"Just keep thrus- AH!"

Weenies. Weenies everywhere. Nothing but weenies forever. Weenies, a detective, an attorney, and love.


End file.
